Hanging out with midgets doesn't make you a giant

Ladies, it’s not your fault. What’s not my fault? All this. All this shit you deal with is not your fault.There is nothing wrong with you. You’re doing everything just right. Keep it up and let me take care of this.

You just sit back and have a cocktail. I’m going to lend you a hand and have a stern talk with the guys now.  Someone needs a swift horse kick to the head. And I am that horse.

Guys, its your fault. I know this because I know it’s not the ladies fault, and that only leaves you.

The reason you are pissing off/not getting women is because you do so many things wrong. I know you can't hear me, but that sounded like "sooooooo maaaaany."

Here’s what I see the girls doing: (1) showering, putting on make-up, taking at least between 10 minutes and possibly greater than an hour deciding on what to wear (2) confirming this choice in all the mirrors in their house/in their car/ in the shop windows they pass.

(c) Gibbs Tolsdorf

And on top of this, before they even get to THAT point, there are manicures and pedicures and waxing of all sorts and bangles and hair things and…nope, don’t have enough time to list it all.

Here’s what I see you guys doing:  shorts, flip flops, douchebag tee shirts, white socks, jeans that don’t fit, bad breath, shit shoes, hats and the fucking worst, hats backwards.

Hint: Women don’t like you because, apparently, you don’t like you.

But here is your worst offense: too much alcohol.

Yo, bromo. Over here asshole. Listen: alcohol is not your friend. It is a weapon that you could be using, but your stuffing that barrel straight down your throat and blowing your chances right out the back of your head.

Second worst d-bag offense: ogling. Stop it. Do. Not. Look.

Goddamn it you fuckers, just relax. Take a breath. The women are there because they want to have fun, and they are hoping to sweet jesus that maybe, just maybe, there is one or two non-drunk, non-douchebaggy fucks who they can maybe have a conversation with.

Be that non-douchebaggy fuck. Here’s the simple version:

Wait until every other asshole has ogled her up and down. Let her get a drink. Let her settle in a little bit. Let her look around a tad, you will see the disappointment in her eyes immediately. Then, get in her line of sight and look directly at her. She will feel it. She may look back at you. If she does, meet her glance for two solid seconds, smile, and then turn away.

My grandather, Gibby. A gentleman.

If she doesn’t look at all, and this is the most annoying thing about you, she is NOT interested. Did you hear that? Move on.

If you get a second look, that's her giving you less than ten seconds to show your feathers. Here are some things you can do right away to fuck it up; (1) be stupid drunk (2) touch her (other than a handshake) (3) ask “so whats your deal” or “what’s the word” or anything about where she lives or works (4) close-talk. Women smell a predator, so stop smelling like one.

Listen, look them in the eye, and try not to solve their problems. Women love it when you simply sympathize.

Agree with her. Say things like: “I agree with you/Isn’t that annoying and/or stupid?/Wouldn’t it be great if things were simpler?”

You know why women talk to other women and gay men but not you? Because they create nests. Women love nests you fucking idiot. So build one for her, let her explore it a little bit, let her get comfortable. And for christ's sake, relax. Do it for christ.

Last bit: smile. All the time. Sometimes a smirk, a grin, a tooth smile, a laugh. Anything else and you just look like you have to take a shit.

That was a hard kick. You may be concussed. Get some rest. And when you wake up, throw out the cargo shorts and the flip flops and start being a fucking gentleman.

You’re welcome ladies. And yes, I am available tonight.