I cant always recount the specifics behind the oomph I need to make a decision, but I can tell you that as spontaneous as they may seem, behind them lay a thousand tiny dead-ends. In other words, I don't just decide to book a ticket to Hawaii, Australia, and New Zealand (as I have.) In truth, I decide the fuck out of it.
I feel extremely light because of it. Mostly because the click I made to confirm my purchase took close to a year. In March of this year, freezing my balls off somewhere in Portugal, eating a dish of fried food whose contents where unknown to me, I made up my mind that next time, next time I would go somewhere where English came first, and where summer got flipped. There are only a couple places like that and, well, there you have it.
I've been dancing around the cocked gun though, for some reason. Out of fear and guilt. I fear more than 6 hours on a plane, I really do, despite my not minding flying in general. And guilt, the guilt I felt was from that soft space in me that thinks I don't deserve to have so much fun and to be so light-afoot when there are so many others who suffer. That's a powerful feeling.
But I go back to my beginnings and I realize that I am happy when I own my life, when I own my decisions. I utterly refuse to waste the time I have here because I am weighted by things out of my control. As quoted previously, I don't know if we have a destiny or if we are all floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I think both, I think maybe both is happening at the same time.*
The final commitment to the next phase was preceded by a indirect smack to the face. While I am not a Christmas guy, I still think it's a day best spent in company if given the option. I had met a girl in Delray Beach, and she happened to have her children going out of town with their Dad on Christmas, so we decided on the obvious. Except on my way there, she called to say her sister had popped by, and I didn't ask, but it was suggested I should hold off for a few hours. So now I had two hours to kill on Christmas day. Ergo: Starbucks.
I sat in my car in the Starbucks parking lot and Skyped with my family. And I realized, after all the questions of where I was and what I was doing, that the truth was I was sitting in my car in a parking lot. And that was not enough for me. After a year of thinking about it, it took only ten minutes of Skype to incite me to book my tickets. It was done even before I realized it. And I did pump my fists in the air because it felt that good to have it done.
So it'll be a week in Hawaii, six weeks in Australia, six weeks in New Zealand, and a week in Maui. That's three months gone, and two weeks to prep for it. I am in the game.
I'm still scared. But I intend to make my life a great story. I intend to continue what I do until I no longer love it more than anything else I can think of. Be sure of this, because I am weary of answering these questions: I am not on a search for something. I'm on a search for anything, for everything, but not for a single thing. I am not seeking love, friends, peace, or seeking contentment. I am merely following the most natural path I know. And I trust, in time, the rest will follow, either by design, or just on a breeze.
Either way, I just want to be better than I was yesterday.
