I got to thinking yesterday on my ride if sex or riding my bike was more pleasurable. Both are sweaty, heart-wrenching, emotionally fueled smackdowns that test your stamina. Both can incite euphoria or break you. They can be a hammer-fest or a polite, slow stroll. So now, it's time for the breakdown:
THE LEAD UP:Sex: You think about it full-sprint, swirling around all the possibilities like chinese meditation balls. If it’s going to be with someone whose balls you've been swirling for a long time, you might be nervous, even unsteady. If it's a brand new meeting, there isn't much to it but raw energy. Either way, you want to enjoy every single second of it, allow it to linger, and to never have it end.Biking: You think about not falling off, not getting killed, not getting a flat, not getting rained on, but also at looking down at your legs pumping out pure power, about the things you will see, the speed you can obtain, about the serenity of it all. You seek that euphoric ride where your body disappears. There is also the thrill of being just on the doorstep of death.
Sex: 10 Biking: 7THE FOREPLAY:Sex: Oh, this could be hours or weeks and even months long. It’s simply too much to talk about in one measly blog entry. I could go on for hours about foreplay, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.On the other hand, it can be as simple as a look, that monster inside of you making the stare, and it might last just the few minutes it takes you to make your mutual way to the bathroom.Biking: It a bit like going into battle. There is the oft-over-thought issue of how to dress. How cold is it, what will the weather be like? Am I fed and hydrated?It takes confidence to strip bare, strap on spandex and go for it, no matter how you may look or what comes out of your mouth or how you perform. Some days you just can't get 'er up.But when I look at my bike I want to ride it. I pick it up and I see it begging for me to take it. It wants to show off. I take good care of it, and it is ready to do what I need it to do. When I first climb on, every doubt melts away and I'm rolling.Sex: 9 Biking: 7I give Sex the edge here simply because it is so much more fun, but give points to Biking because of the fun of the prep and the nerve to go out in public in underwear.THE ACT:Sex: It takes a sensitive eye, sensitive hands, sensitive head. It can be great and it can be shit. If it’s with someone you are familiar with and love and can be yourself, comparison over. If it’s with someone who is stepping on your feet and surfing a different wave, it can be like trying to find a rhythm on an at-capacity moonbounce.Simply put: it can be awful and it can be a memory you won’t shake.Biking: It takes a sensitive eye, sensitive hands, sensitive head. It can be great and it can be shit. If it’s a beautiful day and you feel great and the scenery is fantastic and you can’t feel your legs, comparison over. If the world is stepping on your feet and surfing a different wave, it can be like trying to find a rhythm on an at-capacity moonbounce.Simply put: it can be awful and it can be a memory you won’t shake.Sex: 8 Biking: 9I give it to biking here because of the variables. Most of the time biking is incredible. Sex just doesn’t promise that return rate.THE IMMEDIATE AFTER:Sex: Endorphins. Oh goddamn yeah. Snuggle a bit, have a chat, have a nightcap and a smoke if inclined, and fall asleep. Or go again.Bike: Same endorphins. Less inclined to nap. Can manage a full meal. Want to go out and drink and dance and find someone to snuggle with, have a nightcap, and fall asleep. Or go again.Sex: 8 Biking: 10I give the edge here to biking purely on the euphoria's staying power.THE EXTENDED-AFTER:Sex: Things may be awkward in the morning. Maybe one person fell to hard, took too much, put too much into it. A name may be displaced in the head. There may be talk of relationships and the exchange of numbers or facebook mentions. Expectations may not be met, walk-of-shame potential.On the other hand, it could be the beginning of a beautiful, lifelong love. It could have simply blown you away, and opened your eyes to a magical new beginning.Biking: You are in incredible shape, i.e you are attractive to the opposite sex, i.e don't care about lighting, i.e look great naked, i.e have a high-sex drive due to feeling 20 years younger. So, taken together; more likely to have sex.You want to do it again and again no matter what. Nothing will keep you from it. You want the best equipment, you want to climb every damn thing you can get your pedals on, and when you’re done, you hang your bike up, have a nice hot shower and not worry about how your bike feels about you.Sex: 7 Biking: 10I give it to Biking on this one purely based on the fact that it can lead to sex, which means it has all of it’s own intrinsic potential plus the potential for sex.FINAL TALLY: Sex: 43 Biking: 43Extra Credit to Sex: 5
I’ll give Sex an extra-credit of five for the skin-on-skin aspect (vs. skin-on-road) that biking can’t replicate and also because this was a ridiculous comparison thought up on a 2 hour bike ride.I couldn’t possibly compare the two and have Biking win.So Sex wins 48-43. And that is pure science my friends. Quote at will.
