Landed back in the states a few days ago now and it was a shocker. I remember, after having forgotten, that alienating feeling that I had back when I was 20, when I came back after 10 months on the inaugural exodus.
This time I wasn't gone for that long but I did forgot how to start my car and how girls wear almost nothing at all, and that people talk loudly and there are lots of shits and fucks and horns and also a rare hello or goodbye.
And there is a weight here in the air, and there are rules, so many rules and laws and no-no's.
I do realize, that without anything to do the last couple of days but wait for the truck to come pick up my car and ship it back to my home, that I've become an expert and not doing anything. I can sit for hours or I can wander and find a spot or have a coffee or grab a bite to eat and there is not a fore/afterthought to any of it.
That is me being fortunate, for sure, but also because I have spent many, many hours alone and I now realize that I was in a highly meditative state.
My angst seems to be missing. "Angst" is one term I do remember as a philosophy major, and although Kierkegaard originally meant it to mean fear of disappointing God, the contemporary usage is maybe better put as "I shouldn't be doing nothing and not feeling guilty about it."
I guess above all, I realize the stillness that I feel is just me being true to my whims, regardless of how that is perceived.
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| The Rockies from Iberia Flight #4265 |
A couple of years ago I made a What-I-Want list. It started with "Be happy." And from there it went to a sub-list; "what makes me happy" and so on. And here I am.
I can say that I don't love it here. I think I never really have loved it. It seems the individualism that we viciously defend as as a version of liberty has become transparently selfish and narcissistic. I see it everywhere in the form of a general disconnect.
I may have said it before but I see most people about 10% here and 90% thinking of a variant mixture of the future and of the past.
One of my very good friends had a heart-attack a few weeks ago. This guy is 40. He has a wife and a beautiful baby girl and he's been working his ass off in NYC since college. He was at the gym, pushing himself a bit hard, and he knew it was happening. He instantly rushed out into the street and hailed a cab and as he walked into the ER he said he could feel his body shutting down.
Maybe if he hadn't acted so quickly I wouldn't have gotten an email from him telling the story, but from someone else telling me the story and where to send flowers.
Take a little time. Pump the brakes. Set priorities. In the middle of your next day, pull the car over for a second and ask yourself "what am I doing?"
I realize that I am being altruistic, but I don't think there is any crime in that. I think of 20 years ago and it maybe was just a few moments ago. I think of all the things I wanted and I can't remember what they were.
But I remember those moments when I was happy. Every single one of them.
